WTF?! Sam Bankman-Fried was living the high life in a private villa in the Bahamas, sipping on piña coladas, and rubbing elbows with celebrities and other billionaires. But his lawyers say poor old Sam was miserable that whole time. The courts should take pity because he has a “condition” that no regular person has heard of that makes him incapable of enjoying anything. No. Really. You can’t make this up. Read on.

Blockchain Bro and now convicted felon Sam Bankman-Fried begs the court for mercy as his sentencing approaches. A jury found SBF guilty on seven counts of fraud and money laundering last November after his shenanigans with investors’ money collapsed the FTX crypto-trading platform. The convictions could rack up over 100 years for the entrepreneur-turned-scam artist.

In the face of what amounts to a life sentence, and with another trial on the docket for five more charges scheduled for late March, Bankman-Fried’s attorneys petitioned the judge for a reduced sentence of 63 to 78 months or roughly 5 to 7 years. His lawyers paint a picture of a loveable near saint-of-a-man in their 98-page memorandum filed on Tuesday.

“Sam is not the ‘evil genius’ depicted in the media or the greedy villain described at trial,” the court document reads. “He is a 31-year-old son, brother, friend, humanitarian, and philanthropist … He does not use drugs, rarely drinks alcohol, and has never had any involvement with the criminal justice system before this case.”

The memorandum also maintains that Bankman-Fried is innocent of all charges while simultaneously acknowledging the pain he has caused. Yes, we had to read that twice, too.

“Those who know Sam also know how deeply, deeply sorry he is for the pain he caused over the last two years [page 11] … Sam acknowledges the jury’s service in this matter, he respectfully maintains his innocence, and he intends to appeal his convictions [page 19].”

The document reads like a mishmash of every plausible defense his lawyers could dream up, including pleading for sympathy for SBF’s own suffering and mental illness.

“Those who know Sam are sensitive to the tragic fact that nothing in life brings him real happiness,” it states. “Sam suffers from anhedonia, a severe condition characterized by a near-complete absence of enjoyment, motivation, and interest. He has been that way since childhood.”

The memorandum comes on the heels of a presentence investigation report (PSR) from a probation officer advising to sentence SBF to 100 years. Bankman-Fried’s lawyers called the recommendation “grotesque” because it was based on victims losing $10 billion. The document contends that the victims will recover “a hundred cents on the dollar” from bankruptcy proceedings. His lawyers opined that 100-year sentences should be reserved for the “heinous conduct” of terrorists and pedophiles, citing two federal cases against al-Qaeda and a child abuse/pornography case.

The PSR doesn’t carry a lot of weight. It’s merely an opposing voice bearing as much importance as the character statements submitted on SBF’s behalf. More critical are the prosecutors’ recommendations. They could seek the maximum penalty of 110 years. Even still, the judge gets the final say after reviewing all post-conviction motions and statements. The New York Times notes that legal experts expect a sentence of between 20 and 50 years with reductions allowed for good behavior.

Prosecutors have until March 15 to submit their recommendation, and the judge will render his decision on March 28, the day SBF’s second trial starts.

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