‘National Enquirer’
Britain’s Queen Camilla is “Battling Breast Cancer!” screams the front page. The 76-year-old royal is facing a “Double Mastectomy nightmare” claims the ‘Enquirer.’
It’s intriguing that the rag doesn’t give this story an ‘Exclusive’ tag, since there has been absolutely nothing in the ever-vigilant British press suggesting Camilla has cancer of any kind.
Is it possible that the massed ranks of Fleet Street’s finest have agreed to break with years of muck-raking tradition and compassionately keep Camilla’s cancer diagnosis a secret, leaving the ‘Enquirer’ to claim a scoop? Or is the yarn perhaps a complete fiction?
The story is attributed to a “ranking palace courtier,” which by definition is someone who would never talk to the ‘Globe.’
“Travis & Taylor War Over $1 Billion Prenup!”
Allegedly Taylor Swift wants a prenup, and her NFL beau Travis Kelce believes that love is all they need. Or as the rag so delicately puts it: the “billionaire beauty wants prenup but pigheaded football star refuses to sign.”
It sounds a lot like the sort of speculative story that’s easy to write because it seems plausible, yet is impossible to disprove.
“Hugh Jackman Begs Wife To Take Him Back!”
Does he, though?
“Ryan Seacrest Unrecognizable After Surgery!”
Judging by the photos, he still looks like exactly like Ryan Seacrest.
“Scientology Recruiting J. Lo & Ben!”
Let us know how that goes. Lopez and Affleck are probably attracted by Scientology’s flood of good publicity recently, with adherent Danny Masterson’s rape conviction and a civil suit accusing the self-proclaimed Church of being a “criminal enterprise” engaged in a “pattern of racketeering activity”.
‘Globe’
“Melania’s Sexless Marriage Revealed!” trumpets the cover. “Trumps are living a lie at Mar-a-Lago! Separate bedrooms! No intimacy for 6 years!”
This must be the least surprising cover story the ‘Globe’ has run in years.
Melania reportedly remains “trapped in a cold, sexless marriage” to boost Trump’s chances of reelection in exchange for “a massive chunk of Donald’s estimated $2.6 billion fortune on his death or their divorce”.
One wonders how the ‘Globe’ verified that Donald and Melania are not having sex? UV-light checks on their bedsheets sent out to the laundrette, perhaps? An unnamed “insider” who presumably listens at their bedroom doors is attributed with this breaking news.
“Depp’s Too Dumpy To Play Pirate!”
Johnny Depp’s “party animal past made his body a tragic shipwreck” claims the rag, which suggests that Depp is “too pudgy” to reprise his role as Captain Jack Sparrow in a sixth instalment of ‘Pirates of the Caribbean.’
Why – were pirates all rail-thin exemplars of heroin chic? Or could it be that Depp’s image was severely damaged while battling wife-beating allegations in court with ex-wife Amber Heard?
“Camilla Pushes King Under The Knife!”
There’s no suggestion that Queen Camilla has cancer, but apparently she wants Charles to have a facelift because “he looks ancient & needs nip/tuck.”
Sure, that’ll happen. Charles has always been such a dedicated follower of fashion, health and beauty trends.
“Ron & Nancy Love Story Is Cruel Hoax!”
Always first with the news, the ‘Globe’ reports that the 1952 marriage between Ronald Reagan and Nancy Davis took place because she was pregnant. Daughter Patti Davis reportedly revealed recently that she was born seven months after her parents tied the knot – a fact know to absolutely everyone who followed the news 71 years ago.
Better late than never.
‘People’
‘Law & Order’ veteran Mariska Hargitay is this week’s cover girl, revealing: “I’m Stronger Than I’ve Ever Been.”
She talks for the first time about being raped two decades ago: “He was a friend. Then he wasn’t.” Yes, rape will do that to a friendship.
Singer Boy George, who has a new memoir out, titled ‘Karma,’ says: “I’ve Got a Radar For Trouble.”
It’s always seemed more like he’s been a magnet for trouble, but why quibble?
George talks about his often-violent childhood, his affair with Culture Club drummer Jon Moss, drug abuse, his four-month prison stint, and “his rebirth as an actor.”
‘Us Weekly’
Matthew Perry dominates this week’s cover, which promises to reveal: “The Dark Side No One Knew.”
The ‘Friends’ star was reportedly manipulative and prone to outbursts of physical and emotional abuse – exactly the sort of behavior everyone might expect from an addict.
Unnamed sources claim that Perry attacked his close friend and live-in sober partner Morgan Moses, and was known to “punch walls, flip tables and throw things during angry outbursts.”
Thankfully we have the crack investigative team at ‘Us Weekly’ to tell us that Naomi Campbell wore it best (what was Auli’i Cravalho thinking?), that Dermot Mulroney has “four dogs, a fish tank and a horse,” and that the stars are just like us: they ride exercise bikes, cuddle with their children, and throw out their old Christmas trees. Ground-breaking journalism, as ever.
‘Life & Style’
“King Charles Chooses Harry Over William!” declares the front page.
How can a magazine read the Buckingham Palace room so wrong?
Harry couldn’t be more out in the cold iff he moved from California to the Arctic Circle, yet the magazine claims that a “Major Shake-Up Gives Harry & Meghan New Royal Roles,” and that Charles has invited Harry and Meghan’s children “Archie and Lilibet to Balmoral!”
Prince William and Princess Kate are supposedly on the outs with King Charles.
Kate’s “constant conflict with Camilla backfired,” and a “furious” Prince William has responded by cancelling official appearances, claims the rag.
It all sounds like an alternate British royal family operating in a parallel universe.
‘In Touch’
Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck are facing a “Trial Separation” after “Ben Blows His Top on Holiday Vacay to St. Barts”.
Is this leading J.Lo to “Divorce No.4?” asks the magazine.
The photos of Affleck allegedly losing his cool in an argument are intriguingly the identical pictures that appear in this week’s ‘Globe,’ which reported that the couple were captured in a jewelry store apparently bickering over the price of high-end Bulgari gem-studded necklace.
The entire encounter was witnessed by a photographer who evidently couldn’t hear what they were discussing, and reported only that Affleck “seemed frustrated and frazzled as the beauty tried on costly gems.”
The ‘Globe’ noted: “the tense public moment passed and they ended up cuddling while J.Lo snapped selfies.”
This rapprochement mere moments after the alleged row apparently didn’t register with ‘In Touch,’ which decided that the photos were proof enough that J.Lo and Affleck are headed to the divorce courts.
And that’s how the tabloid sausage is made.
Onwards and downwards . . .
