Words carry a mysterious power. A poorly chosen phrase can destroy a relationship in an instant. The mere absence of words can slowly erode a once-close friendship. Just a few words of encouragement can instill someone with profound confidence and strength.
Most of us (at our best) want to deliver the latter, using words to empower others and build our relationships, but choosing the right words is easier said than done. According to a recent survey from Preply, a language learning marketplace, 60% of Americans find that the encouragement they receive is often insincere or cliché, falling short of its intended effect.
More importantly, Preply’s research also revealed the types of words and phrases people most like to hear. Hidden within those findings are some insights to help you find the right words at the right moment.
Read more: The Best Mental Health Apps
The power of well-chosen words
We instinctively know that encouraging words have immense power, and the research backs this up. Studies have shown correlations between encouragement and improved performance among athletes and students. Well-chosen words can boost our confidence and self-esteem, enabling us to persevere when facing setbacks or challenges.
According to Preply’s survey, which gathered feedback from almost 1,000 US adults ages 18 to 76, not all attempts at encouragement are created equal. A few phrases seem to carry more weight.
In relationships, the most encouraging phrases are:
- I love you. (72% of respondents chose this)
- I appreciate everything you do. (51%)
- I’m proud of you. (48%)
- I’m grateful to have you in my life. (48%)
At work, we tend to look for different forms of encouragement, such as:
- Great job! (50%)
- You’re doing a fantastic job. (47%)
- Keep up the good work. (39%)
Sometimes, it’s as simple as a single word. The survey showed that “love,” “trust,” “strong,” “help” and “hope” are all particularly potent.
Read more: 8 Foods to Eat if You Want a Happiness Boost Right Now
Why some words fall flat
For many, those tried-and-true statements contrast sharply with more recent expressions. According to those surveyed, some attempts at encouragement fall flat. The biggest culprits?
- You’re stronger than you think. (25%)
- You’re a fighter. (21%)
- You’ve got this. (20%)
- You’re not defined by this moment. (20%)
Just what is it about these phrases that may ring hollow? Sylvia Johnson, Language Expert for Preply, thinks it comes down to the intent behind them.
“They’re phrases you hear when someone doesn’t really know what to say or there’s going to be no follow-up action with them,” she says. “A phrase like ‘You’re stronger than you think’ almost puts the responsibility back on you when you’re struggling.”
As the survey results also show, perception is also shaped by context. Words that might otherwise be well received may appear insensitive at the wrong moment. For instance, nearly half of survey respondents said that words of encouragement come off as insincere in moments of loss and grief.
“It’s a reminder that genuine support and genuine empathy often require more than a cliché or one of those pre-packaged phrases,” Johnson says. “You really need to think about how you can be authentic and how you can personalize that message to the person you’re talking to.”
How to find the right words to encourage someone
To truly personalize your encouragement, you must turn your attention away from yourself and find the right words for the other person. If you want to say the right thing, start by listening.
“Don’t fall on clichés because you don’t know what to say,” says Johnson. “It’s best to just listen if you’re unsure of how to respond immediately, and that will also give you a little time to think about the best thing you can say.”
What Johnson describes is active listening, or listening with empathy and the intent to understand. Fundamentally, these are the basic building blocks of emotional intelligence, something moments of encouragement give us a chance to cultivate.
When we develop those skills, she explains, we can pay attention to the crucial details, looking at what the person is going through and their background or even linguistic or cultural differences that might influence how they interpret our attempts at encouragement. These skills are especially crucial in Preply’s work in language learning, where they teach tutors how to motivate students, but they apply to anyone trying to provide support.
Don’t be afraid to encourage someone
As important as it is to be careful when delivering encouragement, Johnson also urges people not to be paralyzed by the fear of saying the wrong thing. According to Preply’s survey, more than half (52%) of Americans hear encouragement no more than once a week. If someone you know is struggling, they could use your support, even if you don’t precisely say the right words.
“If you’re really listening to the person you’re supporting — to understand their words, their feelings, the context,” she explains, “then you can personalize your words of encouragement based on that understanding.”
Ultimately, what matters most is conveying that you care. That’s a valuable lesson to remember next time someone tries to encourage you — even if you’re not a fan of their choice of words.
