Josh Freed: Press 9 to read this column in English

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I phoned a government office recently and heard Quebec’s new message, saying I have the right to English service if I am:

a) A historic anglo;

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b) A recent immigrant;

c) Have previously received service in English; or

d) Am willing to lie about a, b or c.

In the past I’ve often pressed 1 for French, instead of 9 for English, as I’m happy to speak French and practice. (Who gets 2 to 8 anyway?)

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But recently I’ve been militantly pressing 9, like many anglos (and even some francophones) I know. Why?

1: It’s our small way of defending English services here, since each time we press 9, we show they’re needed. It’s our “SOS: Save our services!” cry.

2: It’s my tiny protest against Quebec’s creeping anti-English language bullying. I’d actually like to protest in the streets, but that’s not like us placid anglos.

Instead, we quietly press the “English” button.

I know this is silly, maybe even paranoid. But that’s the problem with recent heavy-handed language legislation: It makes everyone act silly and paranoid. For instance:

Silliness 1: I press the English 9 button in protest, but if a francophone answers I usually switch over, as my French is better than their English.

And again, I like speaking French – even when we prove to be two anglos. It’s good practice and good for our brains too.

But maybe we need a new phone option for anglophones like me, with a message saying:

“Press 1 AND 9 for English, if you plan to speak French anyway.”

Silliness 2: Many government phone and websites ask us to attest “in good faith” that we have the right to English services.

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At least the government accepts the honour system, so those needing English service can usually get it, as long as they lie (an odd thing to encourage).

So far, Bill 96 English-language service hassles are more emotionally upsetting and symbolic than urgent.

However, I’ve heard from several Gazette readers who’ve encountered grumpy or uninformed civil servants on the phone, demanding proof the callers were “certified” to speak English.

The callers had to request a supervisor before their rights were respected and they could communicate in the language they best understood.

These seem rare instances by grumpy clerks using the law as an excuse to be grumpier — and every society has people like them.

My advice: If you encounter a government grump, hang up and press redial. Statistically, the odds are excellent the next person who answers will be helpful and happy to speak English.

Most Quebecers are.

Silliness 3: Many anglos sometimes try to use even their bad French when communicating with government, just for practice.

But lately some I know have stopped. They’re worried that speaking French to government might risk their future English-language rights, because they’ve “communicated” in French in the past.

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This is obviously paranoid thinking. But it’s easy to be paranoid when you look at the school hassles of some English-speaking families.

Many anglo families showed French-language sympathy by voluntarily sending their kids to francophone schools — with the understanding they’d always retain their historic English-schooling rights.

Now many are being told they’ve waited too long to obtain the eligibility paperwork needed. So these English-speaking CEGEP students may have to take their crucial graduation exams in their second language.

Instead, some are reluctantly pressing 416 and heading to school in Toronto. But why alienate the very families who voluntarily embraced French?

Is Quebec secretly trying to discourage today’s anglos from sending their kids to French schools?

Silliness 4: The McGill tuition hike has now been denounced by some French-language newspaper editorials, French university rectors, francophone teachers’ unions and student leaders, as well as Mayor Valérie Plante and I suspect Legault’s own children.

Even the government’s own commission studying the hike has disagreed, stating it will damage McGill’s and Montreal’s economy. But Quebec says it will ignore the commission’s report, because it came in four days later than the deadline.

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Are we back in 1940s high school, when essays were refused when they were 30 seconds late? Maybe the premier should give commission members after-hour detentions, and make them sit in the corner in a dunce cap?

Why appoint a commission, then not even consider its fact-finding, unless you’re not interested in facts, only votes in rural ridings?

I’m glad McGill and Concordia have symbolically pressed 0 and launched a legal challenge, arguing the law is discriminatory.

In the meantime, my overall advice to our English-speaking community is to keep calm and carry on, as we have through other occasionally mean-spirited governments that came and went.

I’ve met many Montreal francophones who share our frustration at the latest measures, and they say their 20-to-30-something English-friendly kids are even more opposed.

Let’s hope that a more open future government recognizes that our English-speaking community is an ally, not threat to French.

That said, in a world with much vaster, violent problems, let’s also be thankful that it’s smaller ones like these that trouble us most here.

So don’t get depressed: just press 9.

joshfreed49@gmail.com

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