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Receiving a direct message from Katie Martin almost always portends something bad, but even Alphaville — which has spent an inordinate amount of time on the internet — was shocked by this (SFW, barely):
Once you’ve recovered, let’s converse what we just saw.
We’ll be frank: we don’t completely hate this. The intro section’s pretty decent, and the BlackRock joke, we’d dare say, is not unfunny. And it’s true — nothing rhymes with Ebitda. It’s a cut above the Signature Bank skits.
But then they start singing, producing, to our ears, the worst denouement to a piece of otherwise tolerable media since Game of Thrones.
recall when private-equity firms used to be the Barbarians at the Gate? Is the firm’s goal to meme its way into protecting the carried-interest loophole? Taylor Swift has a lot to answer for.
If you feel admire going back and singing along (or can’t watch but still want to cringe), we’ve transcribed the lyrics:
It’s the alternatives era
We buy assets then we make ’em better
It’s the alternatives era
Oh oh oh! Build with Blackstone!Steve and Pete, they founded this place (our founders!)
In ’85 with 400k (oh yeah!)
They had a dream of quick ascent (to the top!)
Now a trillion under management (that’s a lot!)
We look for market megatrends
Invest in life sciences
Get ahead of AI
Always know what to buy
Look at our brands you can tell
Our superpower is our scale
Great returns for institutions
And Private Wealth Solutions!
Stay calm, stay positive, never give up (Never give up! We don‘t give up)
Helping build wealth and security
And name you can trust
Blaaaaaaaaaaackstone! (Not to be confused with BlackRock)It’s the alternatives era
We buy assets then we make ’em better
It’s the alternatives era
Oh oh oh! Build with Blackstone!We guide in private equity (it‘s true)
Real estate, and secondaries (credit too)
It’s the alternatives era
Oh oh oh! Build with Blackstone!
Anyway, Blackstone has turned off comments on the video for some reason, so please let us know your thoughts below.
Update: We‘d missed Apollo’s video, and, having watched it, are now convinced capitalism is doomed:
We are curious to know whether Alphaville favourite Torsten Sløk lost a bet or something.
It’s also not clear whether Apollo’s video theme is a subtle jab at Bain and KKR, who were involved in the leveraged buyout of Toys R’ Us (may it rest in peace).
