- Do you have a question for Vicky? Email vicky.reynal@dailymail.co.uk with brief details of your question or problem
My husband and I have had a joint bank account since we were married 20 years ago. It’s such an area of tension that it’s undermining an otherwise happy relationship and we have two young teenagers.
My husband is the main earner in the family where my job doesn’t allow for much more than paying for the running of the household and holidays. But I do like to spend money on our daughters and I like to get my hair cut every few months and buy clothes each season.
I’m far from extravagant but my husband resents me ‘splashing out’ and it causes arguments. I don’t want to stop having a joint account but equally I’m really miserable at how this has come between us. Please can you help?
It sounds to me as if you and your husband have opted for a joint bank account like many couples do in order to simplify life admin but perhaps without a conversation about values and expectations.
So instead of having agreed on what is reasonable or excessive in terms of personal expenses, you keep coming up against each other’s different views on this.
Vicky Reynal suggests ‘having a conversation with your husband about how it makes you feel to have your expenses scrutinised’
And when you do, your husband’s larger contribution to the family finances might feel (to both of you) like it entitles him to a bigger say in how the family money can be spent. From your email I can tell the current arrangement makes you miserable because it grants you little financial freedom.
As two people come together into a committed relationship and merge not just their lives, but also their finances, this can expose different views not just on spending vs saving, but also on power and freedom, fairness and equality, transparency and privacy. Often these differences fuel conflict, but if handled well, can be an opportunity to learn about one another in greater depth.
I would suggest having a conversation with your husband about how it makes you feel to have your expenses scrutinised. Remember that you are trying to help him understand you, so giving him a broader context of why it is important for you to have greater financial freedom can help: was your family growing up able to enjoy money in a way you feel has been lost in your marriage? Or does this dynamic evoke painful memories of watching your father control your mother financially?
As you try to understand him and what makes him nervous about your spending, it’s worth wondering: what is his family background with money? Did he grow up in scarcity and pick up some of his family’s anxieties related to money? Or was there a parent who ‘splashed out’ money in a way that created financial problems or instigated money conflict in the family?
Vicky also says: ‘Having clear expectations will minimise the chances of conflict and trust being compromised’ (File image)
Sharing each other’s money history can help you understand one another. It gives you context on how you are looking at each other’s money conduct in the present because our family’s relationship with money leaves an imprint on how we, in the present, weigh things as reasonable/excessive, fair/unfair, etc.
Recognise the importance that you, as a couple, agree on an amount that feels reasonable for each to spend monthly as ‘personal expenses’. Within this ring-fenced amount, can you allow each other the freedom to make your own choices?
Establish rules about what happens if you don’t spend your ‘personal expense’ budget in full? Can you carry it forward, allowing you to save towards a larger expense? How will you keep track of your own expenses? What expectations do you have about knowing details of what your partner’s personal expense money is spent? And are you still both happy to be using the joint account for these?
Having clear expectations will minimise the chances of conflict and trust being compromised. It will also give you peace of mind that your actions are not threatening the harmony in the relationship, plus it might feel less guilt-evoking to get a haircut and to your husband, that your spending won’t spiral into your ‘splashing out’, and decrease his anxiety.
Negotiating an amount you can both agree on might mean there isn’t enough for everything you want to spend on, but at least you will have the freedom to make choices and compromises within your mutually agreed budget.
This is also a good model to use with your teenage daughters as well: do they have an allowance/budget within which they have freedom to make choices? If they do, have you thought about fairness/equality based on their age difference maybe and the amount they each receive? Have you as parents been clear about the expectations of transparency or privacy that come with this allowance?
Do you have a question for Vicky Reynal? Email her at vicky.reynal@dailymail.co.uk
