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January: cold weather, Blue Monday and the month of that time-honoured ritual of the old insurance policy renewal two-step. You know the dance. Your chosen partner leads with an astronomical increase in the premium for your car, house or whatever, along with the happy reassurance that you don’t need to do anything because it will automatically assume you are thrilled with the price. It then waits to see if you are too indolent, lazy or timid to question this obviously fair valuation. If you aren’t, the dance begins.
Please hold. Your call is important to us. We are experiencing very high call volumes at the moment for some reason, but please hang on and a friendly Geordie voice will be with you shortly, feigning ignorance about why you might be calling.
Hi there, this is Steve, how can I help you today?
Well Steve, I’ve just received my car insurance quote and it’s a 40 per cent increase, so I’m ringing to see if you can do any better.
Aye, I’ve had a fair few calls like that today, but it’s inflation, I’m afraid. It’s put everybody’s bills up. Even Martin Lewis admits it’s a tough climate.
I understand, but inflation is not running at 40 per cent.
I do understand, but premiums are based on different rates. Everyone is putting their price up. It’s the economy . . . [he pauses, leaving you to fill in the word “stupid”]
Well, I’m sorry, but I am going to have to shop around if you can’t improve it.
Are you not happy with the service?
I am.
Well, exactly. We think that calls for a little customer loyalty in these difficult trading circumstances.
A little, yes, but not 40 per cent more. I was happy with my last provider too, but when they started taking the mick, I moved to you.
Hold on, let me see [sound of a keyboard tapping]. Good news. I can come back with an insultingly low-ball offer, which reduces the increase to a mere 38 per cent.
Are you sure you can’t do any better? [Shouting to wife] How much did you say the AA was, darling?
Let me have a look at your details. Have any of your circumstances changed?
Actually, I’m driving to the office a lot less.
Well, you see we may have to charge a bit more as you are out of practice.
OK then, I’ll get the mileage back up.
Extra usage will put the price up.
We can’t win, can we?
That is the general principle. I also note from your records that you are older than you were last year.
That does tend to be the way it works. Look, why do you make us do this every year?
Why wouldn’t we?
Are you going to be able to make me a better offer or not?
What sort of price were you looking for?
Oh no, I fell for that last year. You come up with a figure.
All right, I can tell I’m dealing with a seasoned pro here. But since you’ve kept your temper, I’ll tell you what I can do. I’ve just seen a silver level membership. Technically, you aren’t eligible, but since I just made that up, I can knock another £60 off.
What would I need to do for gold level membership?
You’d probably need to complain for at least another two years. So what do you think of that price?
So, that’s got the increase down to a mere 27 per cent? I can’t believe we have to do this every year. Do so many people really not bother to ask you for a better price?
Our actuarial tables are clear on this. Not everyone has the gumption to haggle us down to a 27 per cent rise. Seriously though, just a 27 per cent increase, Martin Lewis would be proud of you. I wouldn’t be surprised if he starts calling you for advice. If you’re happy to renew, I can process that now for you. We’ll email your new policy to you within 24 hours. Thank you for playing.
Thanks, same time next year?
We’ll be here. Your call is important to us.
Email Robert at robert.shrimsley@ft.com
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