At the core of all good books and movies are character “wants.” That is, the invisible forces behind a character’s choices and, ultimately, their goals. We tune in or read on to see them get what they want, but we also wish to learn why they want it in the first place.
Fictional or nonfictional character, everyone has wants and goals, and the new year is a great time to reassess the way you’re chasing yours. However, some people find themselves giving up or reconsidering their goals even before the month of January ends. (There’s even a name for it on the second Friday of every January: Quitters Day. This year, it was Jan. 12.)
If you’re on the verge of throwing in the towel, or you already did, don’t worry. Contrary to some discouraging headlines, sticking to your resolutions and meeting your goals isn’t impossible or even improbable — and you can start over at any time. But as a general rule, it may be more beneficial to view your wants as “goals” rather than “resolutions,” said Candice Seti, a psychologist, personal trainer and nutrition coach. This is because humans tend to do pretty well with goals, so long as you have the right approach and you’re setting them for the right reasons.
“It’s so important to approach New Year’s resolutions through the same lens we approach goal-setting,” Seti said.
Goals are not only fun to have — they’re imperative to what keeps us moving in life. So whether it’s a fitness goal, a new wellness standard or hitting the next milestone in your creative passion, here’s what Seti and other experts say about working with your own psychology to achieve your New Year’s resolution.
Read more: How to Stay Active When You Really, Really Don’t Feel Like It
1: Find the deeper reason for your goal
Just like the main character in a movie, you need to find your “want” in order for your resolution to be effective. Seti calls this “revisiting the whys.” Why do you want to lose weight? Why do you want to eat healthier? (As a spoiler alert, it’s almost never about the weight, and it’s almost never about the food.)
“Weight loss is not the goal,” Seti said. “The weight loss is the vehicle to get to the goal.”
To unpack your goal of losing X amount of pounds, for example, explore the reasons why you want to. Do you think you’ll feel better? Do you think it’ll make you feel more energized? Will you smile more when you get more energy?
What about your reasons for quitting drinking?
If you’re having a hard time finding the deeper reason in your goal, Flynn Skidmore, a therapist and life coach, has devoted much of his online content to teaching people strategies to understand why they truly want what they do. Skidmore explains some of the reasons for getting to the bottom of it in a December episode of his podcast, The Flynn Skidmore Podcast.
“There are layers to it,” Skidmore said on his podcast. “And when you only see the surface layers of what it means to have a desire or want something, life is very, very confusing.”
As you go through this mental checklist and find the true value in your goal, you may be given an energizing boost to pick back up where you left off. Alternatively, by identifying what achieving your goal will really do for you, you may learn you’ve set the wrong New Year’s resolution. If that’s the case, no biggie. Just head back to the drawing board with an approach that feels better to you.
2: If you already ‘screwed up,’ just start over
Yes, it really is that simple. People may pick the start of a new calendar year to gather momentum to achieve a resolution, but if it’s something important to you, there’s no reason to stop just because you momentarily fell off the wagon. This may be especially true when it comes to health goals. If your goal is to eat more-nutritious foods so you have a better chance of living a longer life with less disease risk, why dunk the whole year just because you ate a few donuts or didn’t eat vegetables one day? If you lead with an all-or-nothing attitude, you’re more likely to give up. This is more likely to happen if our goals aren’t specific enough or they’re too extreme.
“We can do that for a couple of weeks, but then it gets really overwhelming and we don’t hit what we’re trying to hit, so we go into all or nothing mode and we say ‘F it,'” Seti said.
The best way to avoid 100-or-0, and get to 80-20 instead, is by reframing your goal and breaking it up into smaller pieces. Those are steps three and four.
3: ‘Approach’ instead of ‘avoid’
Research published in 2019 in the American Journal of Lifestyle Medicine found that the way you set the goal itself plays a role in whether you achieve it, at least when it comes to health goals. Specifically, goals that have you “approach” instead of goals that have you “avoid” a certain behavior were associated with more-positive emotions and a greater sense of psychological well-being.
An example of a healthy eating “approach” goal, for instance, would be, “I will eat more vegetables and nutritious food this year.” An “avoid” version of the same goal would be, “I’ll cut out candy this year.”
This is why restriction-based diets are less effective than diets that have you add in healthy foods, as opposed to restricting “bad” ones, according to Seti.
“When we restrict, we make the thing that we’re restricting the most powerful thing in the universe,” she explained. By reframing your goal, you may tip the power balance in your favor.
4: Take small, regular steps toward your big goal
What this looks like will depend on your resolution: Is it work or creative-project related, fitness and health related or something else?
If you have a big project you’re working on, for example, practice getting up a little earlier each morning before you start your regular work day to fit in your creative passion. Or if you can’t miss any sleep, find another small slot of the day that you can devote to working on it.
For fitness or nutrition goals, what counts as a “small task” will be a little more individualized to your specific wellness plan. But as an example, if your goal is to become more fit, mini “exercise snacks” are easy to squeeze in, and finding small and reasonable ways to stay active regularly is an accomplishment in and of itself.
By checking off small accomplishments — eating two servings of veggies one day, painting for 20 minutes one day, writing for 10 minutes one day, and so on — you’ll have something to look back on as proof you’re slowly working toward your goal.
“They allow us to build in this confidence and the capability to keep going,” Seti said.
5: Look for like-minded communities
Surrounding yourself with people who have similar goals or passions may both motivate you and make you feel less alone. Lucky for us, one benefit of social media is that we’re in the age of online communities and groups. For instance, there are support groups besides Alcoholics Anonymous for people who want to quit using alcohol, or reduce their intake.
There are also pottery clubs, writing groups, bird-watching clubs and more groups centered around activities that could be related to your big goal, and that could ultimately help you achieve it. To find one, you might start by doing a quick online search of “online group for X” or “in-person group for X near me.”
And whatever you do, never stop examining the root of your resolution, or “connecting the dots.”
“Oftentimes, when we make these goals we’re connecting the dots,” Seti said. “But when we’re implementing them we’re not.”
